VIP Member Seeks Advice On Deadbeat Mother

by J
(New York)

Hello CSA or Child Support America staff. My case is as follows. I have a ten year old son who at the age of eight was practically kidnapped by his mother who unknown to me had met a car salesman on some sex website and had been having an affair for several months. We had been married ten years, lived together for six before that. She was always heavy, she had her stomach stapled and lost 150 lbs left for first guy who said she looked nice. As I said, she took me by complete surprise, had me served with Custody papers a week after she was gone. She emptied our checking and savings accounts on the way out, leaving me penniless for two weeks and without an attorney.

She also had me served with a protection order because she convinced the local judge who has a gender bias against men that her husband, a college grad and white collar professional with absolutely no criminal record whatsoever at the age of 45, posed a threat to her and her son. I work virtually from home, so I was the primary care giver his whole life. Only later did I discover that her boyfriend, a thirty four year old drug user, alcoholic chain smoker with a record of arrest for domestic violence was pulling all the strings and advising my wife on all the right accusations to make against me to ensure I would not get custody of my son.

He was married (still is) with three children. He had an affair with his next door neighbor and an illegitimate child with her. He had ads on the internet for sex with other men and a police record, several DWI's and two bankruptcies. Needless to say when I learned eight year old son was being exposed to this person, I was beside my self. The Judge however was not.

His statement to me was " you can either accept the stipulation as they have laid out, or we can have a trial right now.

If I find against you, I can see to it that you have no visitation with your son, or put you in jail for six months". Naturally with no attorney to advise me, I took the stipulation and lost residential custody of my son. As the time went by, this boyfriend suddenly was appearing and being introduced by my wife as a business colleague of mine. She sent me text messages and when I responded to them, she had me arrested, twice.

Her boyfriend wrote out the complaints. I had a team of lawyers working on the marriage and criminal cases. The wife I had known since she was 21 was gone forever and only after I realized that and accepted it, did things get better. I was paying my wife $100 week never being late a day. I loaned her money. When the divorce started, her attorney made certain the support was garnished, even though I had never been late. Her boyfriend threatened my son and brought a gun into his home, following up on a threat he made "to kill your father". I could go on and on.

To the point, my ex kept bringing my son over for to me to watch. He got off the bus at my house then his grandparents would pick him later and care for him until she got home around bedtime. All this she would do while telling the court over and over that I was dangerous and a threat to both her and my own son. At one point she claimed I wanted to kill my son, then the same day called and asked if I could watch him while she overnight-ed with her boyfriend.

I calculated that I had him for 49% of the overnights in 2009 and she 15% and his maternal grandparents the remainder. I started getting notes from my son that he would draw in school begging to come home. The school noticed and put him in counseling. He had been late for school 24 times and absent 12 days without explanation. With all these charges pending against me, I filed for custody of him and a date was set. My son brought me transfer papers to a school district 50 miles away that her boyfriend had signed. He was frantic. She would not negotiate. I asked the court to intercede and they did, barring her from removing him from the county.

On morning of the custody trial, she realized she had a good chance of loosing as her own mother was testifying on my behalf against her. It had taken me 9 mos. to convince the police and the courts that my wife was fabricating everything she had claimed about me and that her boyfriend was a third party that was interfering. Now to the this courthouse steps negotiation, she offered to let my son come home if I agreed to no child support.

In my desperation to get my son out of the clutches of her abusive white trash boyfriend I agreed on four conditions:
1. That she pay his medical insurance
2. That she pay 25% of his school tuition
3. That she pay 25% of the cost of his instrument lease
4. That she pay equal amounts of his clothing and other necessities.

In addition, her lawyer convinced the judge that no child support should be awarded "due to the very extensive parenting time the mother will have with her son". This consisted of every other week in the summer, plus Weds to Thurs and every other weekend.

I write all this to ask if I have a chance to modify this agreement with the courts. This all happened in April. As of this writing in Nov., she has not complied with the agreement except that she claims he still has medical insurance. She never paid tuition, never took him overnight even once, and I found out yesterday that the leasing company for his instrument is repossessing it for lack of payment, which is $49 a month.

Meanwhile, she posts pictures of her vacations with this guy and his kids. Her version of coparenting seems to consist of her taking him to dinner every other Weds. for an hour and half, then to local Indian reservation to buy cigarettes. When he comes back, he is distraught and upset and I pick up the pieces.

I am tired of waiting for her to pay, and covering all the bills that she agreed to in court myself. What are my chances of going back in and modifying the Custody agreement that I signed 7 months ago? My attorney seems to think I should just pay it and be happy I have my son back, which I am, but there is an injustice here. All the charges against me were dropped, but if am even accused by her of making her feel threatened or uncomfortable, they can come back in a hurry.

My now ex-wife makes $70k a year and I make $90, so her share is about $210 a week. Her boyfriend has four kids has to pay for which by the way eats up about 50% of his paycheck I calculate, leading me to believe she uses her money to pay his bills. He was living on a one room apartment when she met him. Now she has moved them into a $1200 a month townhouse. I know her net is about $1300 bi weekly and he makes $35k a year according to the background investigation I had done on him. I want to use support to save for son's college fund, which I tried to negotiate in during the court case but she outright refused.

I must sound like a bitter nutcase, but this woman put me and our child through hell and now continues her downward spiral towards the drain, which is where she found this guy. The least she can do is help me pay for her son's college education. What are my chances?



Comments for VIP Member Seeks Advice On Deadbeat Mother

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Confirmation of Story from VIP member
by: CSA Staff

Hello J,

We just wanted to give you confirmation that we have received your post. As a VIP member your situation and posts will always take priority over Non-VIP members.

Our staff members are reviewing your post and will respond back sometime this weekend via this form. Please use this thread for further communication with us regarding this situation and further problems you may have.

Take care and look for our response this weekend.

CSA Team Member

Child Support Questions
by: Child Support America Team Member

Dear J,

Wow, thank you so much for sharing your child support situation. You are helping other Dads by just telling your story and we appreciate it.

As for your question, yes you have a 50-50 chance. Here is the reality. Court is tricky and so are the judges. You can go into court and think that you have all the proof and necessary evidence BUT the judge rules completely far to the left and not on your side. If your attorney is advising you to just leave it alone, that may be the reason why.

Decisions are up to the judges. Every state and judge is different. We understand your frustration because it really is unfair. What you may wish to do is contact another attorney and get a second opinion. Also keep in mind, are you going to the same court system that screwed you over the first time?

She is in contempt of court for not following the judges orders. That is a major plus on your side. If you have the proof from the instrument company and any other necessary documentation of her contempt then present this to a different attorney and take it from there. Also if she is not following through with her standard visitation the judge needs to be aware of that as well.

Again, keep good records, and document EVERYTHING! Your son is worth you exploring other legal opinions. You should start with talking to a new attorney and get a second opinion. We wish you well and please keep us updated to the status of your situation.


Follow up posting
by: J

I have a follow up on this case. If you read the posting above then you know my situation. After no payments by the ex-wife and the threat of being removed from school placed on my son because his mother refused to pay her share of his tuition, I filed for a modification asking for full support.

She was able to have it post poned twice due to " life threatening " surgery. It's funny once they get the postponement, the issues just disappear lol. So at the hearing the Magistrate asks why the mother has not been visiting the child at which point her new attorney states that she was hired only 15 minutes ago and has few facts but that she was sure this was a clear case of Parental Alienation, and that's why she visits 45 minutes a week when my son is actually supposed to overnight 8 times a month.

In NY, those matters are decided by a family court judge so now I find myself in front of the same judge that took custody away from me two years ago ( don't worry folks I got him back and he's doing well by any measure)

by: J

So as I write this I am waiting for the court to decide whether I have interfered with my ex wifes relationship with her son. The fact is that I have never disallowed a visit on a scheduled day and I dont speak to about her to him as I am concerned about that not being a healthy situation for either of us.

There could be nothing further from the truth in this matter, but going through the hoops with the Court system is frustrating-to say the least. In a year she has not had one overnight visit been to one school event talked to one teacher or even as much as taken him to a movie but she blames her indifference on me, her mother, step father and her family that has disowned her.

She has not filed formal alienation charges against me so far, she is just using the allegation as an affirmative defense to justify no child support payments. Even during all this legal action, she still doesn't visit. It is up fir debate as to whether I will succeed or not.

Her proof is that my son refuses gifts ( apparently he did once because he already owned that toy) and that I bought him a snowmobile. She has nothing else to say but gets her day in court. My advice to other parents whom are dealing with a seemingly unstable ex spouse. Be prepared!

They will say anything and do anything to avoid paying. My ex genuinely seems to feel in good conscience that she shouldn't have to pay a dime. Get your ducks in a row. Don't put any thing negative in writing don't say anything negative either. Have a date and time in writing to back up every statement you make. Take pictures.

I read all these postings and can see how courts get overwhelmed with this morass of never ending accusations and cross accusations, the result of which is the Judge doesn't believe either party. Make sure you only speak in FACTS not supposition and don't ever try to explain why you think your opponent does what he/she does.

Just say " I am not privy as to why he/she did this, all I can say is that on this date I observed her do such and and such or said such and such and the result of that action was x x x and I submit the following as proof of my claim". I will post again when I have a new development.

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