VIP Member Seeks Advice On Deadbeat Mother

by J
(New York)

Hello CSA or Child Support America staff. My case is as follows. I have a ten year old son who at the age of eight was practically kidnapped by his mother who unknown to me had met a car salesman on some sex website and had been having an affair for several months. We had been married ten years, lived together for six before that. She was always heavy, she had her stomach stapled and lost 150 lbs left for first guy who said she looked nice. As I said, she took me by complete surprise, had me served with Custody papers a week after she was gone. She emptied our checking and savings accounts on the way out, leaving me penniless for two weeks and without an attorney.

She also had me served with a protection order because she convinced the local judge who has a gender bias against men that her husband, a college grad and white collar professional with absolutely no criminal record whatsoever at the age of 45, posed a threat to her and her son. I work virtually from home, so I was the primary care giver his whole life. Only later did I discover that her boyfriend, a thirty four year old drug user, alcoholic chain smoker with a record of arrest for domestic violence was pulling all the strings and advising my wife on all the right accusations to make against me to ensure I would not get custody of my son.

He was married (still is) with three children. He had an affair with his next door neighbor and an illegitimate child with her. He had ads on the internet for sex with other men and a police record, several DWI's and two bankruptcies. Needless to say when I learned eight year old son was being exposed to this person, I was beside my self. The Judge however was not.

His statement to me was " you can either accept the stipulation as they have laid out, or we can have a trial right now.

If I find against you, I can see to it that you have no visitation with your son, or put you in jail for six months". Naturally with no attorney to advise me, I took the stipulation and lost residential custody of my son. As the time went by, this boyfriend suddenly was appearing and being introduced by my wife as a business colleague of mine. She sent me text messages and when I responded to them, she had me arrested, twice.

Her boyfriend wrote out the complaints. I had a team of lawyers working on the marriage and criminal cases. The wife I had known since she was 21 was gone forever and only after I realized that and accepted it, did things get better. I was paying my wife $100 week never being late a day. I loaned her money. When the divorce started, her attorney made certain the support was garnished, even though I had never been late. Her boyfriend threatened my son and brought a gun into his home, following up on a threat he made "to kill your father". I could go on and on.

To the point, my ex kept bringing my son over for to me to watch. He got off the bus at my house then his grandparents would pick him later and care for him until she got home around bedtime. All this she would do while telling the court over and over that I was dangerous and a threat to both her and my own son. At one point she claimed I wanted to kill my son, then the same day called and asked if I could watch him while she overnight-ed with her boyfriend.

I calculated that I had him for 49% of the overnights in 2009 and she 15% and his maternal grandparents the remainder. I started getting notes from my son that he would draw in school begging to come home. The school noticed and put him in counseling. He had been late for school 24 times and absent 12 days without explanation. With all these charges pending against me, I filed for custody of him and a date was set. My son brought me transfer papers to a school district 50 miles away that her boyfriend had signed. He was frantic. She would not negotiate. I asked the court to intercede and they did, barring her from removing him from the county.


On morning of the custody trial, she realized she had a good chance of loosing as her own mother was testifying on my behalf against her. It had taken me 9 mos. to convince the police and the courts that my wife was fabricating everything she had claimed about me and that her boyfriend was a third party that was interfering. Now to the crux....in this courthouse steps negotiation, she offered to let my son come home if I agreed to no child support.

In my desperation to get my son out of the clutches of her abusive white trash boyfriend I agreed on four conditions:
1. That she pay his medical insurance
2. That she pay 25% of his school tuition
3. That she pay 25% of the cost of his instrument lease
4. That she pay equal amounts of his clothing and other necessities.

In addition, her lawyer convinced the judge that no child support should be awarded "due to the very extensive parenting time the mother will have with her son". This consisted of every other week in the summer, plus Weds to Thurs and every other weekend.

I write all this to ask if I have a chance to modify this agreement with the courts. This all happened in April. As of this writing in Nov., she has not complied with the agreement except that she claims he still has medical insurance. She never paid tuition, never took him overnight even once, and I found out yesterday that the leasing company for his instrument is repossessing it for lack of payment, which is $49 a month.

Meanwhile, she posts pictures of her vacations with this guy and his kids. Her version of coparenting seems to consist of her taking him to dinner every other Weds. for an hour and half, then to local Indian reservation to buy cigarettes. When he comes back, he is distraught and upset and I pick up the pieces.

I am tired of waiting for her to pay, and covering all the bills that she agreed to in court myself. What are my chances of going back in and modifying the Custody agreement that I signed 7 months ago? My attorney seems to think I should just pay it and be happy I have my son back, which I am, but there is an injustice here. All the charges against me were dropped, but if am even accused by her of making her feel threatened or uncomfortable, they can come back in a hurry.

My now ex-wife makes $70k a year and I make $90, so her share is about $210 a week. Her boyfriend has four kids has to pay for which by the way eats up about 50% of his paycheck I calculate, leading me to believe she uses her money to pay his bills. He was living on a one room apartment when she met him. Now she has moved them into a $1200 a month townhouse. I know her net is about $1300 bi weekly and he makes $35k a year according to the background investigation I had done on him. I want to use support to save for son's college fund, which I tried to negotiate in during the court case but she outright refused.

I must sound like a bitter nutcase, but this woman put me and our child through hell and now continues her downward spiral towards the drain, which is where she found this guy. The least she can do is help me pay for her son's college education. What are my chances?

Regards,

J